I asked ten friends what they think are my values and strengths…
I asked ten friends what they think are my values and strengths…
An interesting exercise to know yourself better
Recently, I came across a list of questions designed to help people learn about their values and strengths. As an over-introspective person who took all sorts of tests to learn more about myself, those reflective questions are not that new to me. I’d thought of those things hundreds of times. But there are two interesting questions not for myself but for my friends. They suggested to ask your friends: First, what do your friends think that you value or care about the most. Second, what do your friends think that you are good at.
Somehow, it really inspired me. I realised that because I am so reflective, I might be a bit arrogant in my ability to understand myself. Of course, daily life and social interactions allow me to learn things about myself, but that is more of a subtle and gradual process. Significant events and moments in life offer chances for rapid growth, but manufacturing them out of nowhere is a bit unnecessary. So, it might be particularly insightful to just ask my friends directly about these two crucial questions about myself.
That’s what I did. I asked ten friends those two questions and found the experience amazing and insightful. So, I’m sharing my experience here and encouraging people interested to give it a go.
I purposefully chose a few best friends who have known me since different stages of my life, but also some friends who have not yet had the chance to know me in full depth. I thought it could be interesting to learn not only what my best friends think of me but also what I come across from people who spent some time with me but have not yet known the whole layers of me. It is not a scientific sampling, but it covers a range. There is one friend who knew me from kindergarten, and we have been friends for almost all of our living memories. One friend from high school that I consider knows me the best. A best friend since I came to the UK, a best friend from undergrad, a best friend from my PhD, and a best friend from last year. There are friends who haven’t known me for a long time but know me very well in terms of depth, but also friends who know me for a few years but don’t know me that deeply. Therefore, it is intriguing to see their answers.
My own answers
Before I reveal my friends' answers, let’s just look at how I would answer those questions myself. What do I value the most, and what do I think I am good at? The following are my answers before I received their answers.
I think my core value is 真善美. That is a Chinese saying that means truth, goodness, and beauty. From my brief Internet search, I cannot find where this saying originated. The most possible route is a Chinese translation of a Japanese book about art theory in the 20th century. It somewhat becomes a cliche in China and is just too abstract. If I say I value 真善美 in a Chinese context, people will think I am either phoney or delusional.
But I don’t care. I thought a lot about what I value, and I just could not find a better way to describe it—truth, goodness, and beauty. My core value is the combination of the three. I think that on an abstract level, there is a unity of the three. What is truthful is also inherently good and beautiful. Or at least for me, truth is a necessary condition for goodness and beauty; goodness and beauty are no longer good or beautiful if they are not truthful. I do have a pathological obsession with truth. My obsession with truth is more on the abstract level than in practical daily life, so it does not mean I never lie. However, I do feel that I learned to lie against my nature just to avoid trouble. On some occasions, I am even very good at lying, but I was never really comfortable with it.
Now, on to things I think I am good at. I think I am good at analysing things. My obsession with truth certainly helps with that because when I analyse things, I will not be fully satisfied until I find an answer that I deem truthful. I think being very reflective also falls into this category of analysing things.
I am not very good at small talk, but I am very good at deep discussions. I am a good listener; I am genuinely curious about getting to know people by listening to them. I guess that is why I am not good at small talk: I learn nothing about people from that.
I am not only a good listener but also a good observer. I am very good at seeing the good qualities of people. Sometimes, it works like a charm. I quickly recognise people with good qualities and become great friends with them. But it sometimes leads to unrealistic expectations about who they are or the progress of my relationship with them, resulting in disappointment or misunderstandings. So, I guess I am good at observing something but not all things—still room for improvement.
What my friends think I value the most
To my pleasant surprise, on the question of what I value the most, five out of ten touched on something that is not truth, goodness or beauty but so highly accurate nonetheless. I do value it very much. My obsession with it is at the same level as my obsession with truth. I cannot believe I forgot to include it in my own answer. I guess I was occupied by the beauty of using one phrase to express my core value but took what I deeply value for granted: Freedom (including independence).
I believe people should be allowed to do whatever they want as long as they do not violate other people’s freedom and take responsibility for their own actions. This freedom needs to be built on equality. I care about everyone’s freedom, not just the freedom of some people. The freedom of some people is not real freedom for me. Of course, there will be conflicts, and there will never be complete freedom and equality. But I believe freedom should be pursued to the largest possible extent and reach an equilibrium. I think freedom and truth are closely connected, and I value both. Freedom is about being the true self regardless of dogmatic social norms. I am not saying people should break all social norms. It is about balance. Social norms are good to a certain degree, but they would no longer be helpful if they became blindly followed and cruelly enforced dogma. Freedom also contributes to the truth. Sometimes, truth is very hard to find and communicate; limited freedom constrains the process of finding and communicating truth.
Another pleasant surprise comes from the friend I consider who knows me the best. His answer shows that he indeed knows me the best and a thing that he is very good at. He is very good at understanding and analysing things and putting them into concise and accurate words. He thinks what I value the most is 心中的正义 (the justice in my heart); all the other personal pursuits are just a means to an end for me. When I see those five Chinese characters on my phone screen, I feel, wow, that’s it. You don’t need much from life if you have someone who truly understands you.
Well, if truth, goodness, and beauty don’t make the reader feel that I am delusional, the justice in my heart will undoubtedly do the job. But it is precisely the best way to describe what I value the most. ‘The justice in my heart’ is an encompassing phrase that includes freedom, truth, goodness and beauty. ‘In my heart’ means freedom and independence. Justice means the equality of freedom. There is no justice without truth. Justice and goodness overlap so much that they are almost equivalent. Justice is beautiful. The phrase ‘the justice in my heart’ itself is aesthetic. Further, ‘In my heart’ also means I use these principles to guide myself but not to judge others. Again, people should do whatever they want within certain boundaries. I do not judge whatever they do as long as they take responsibility for their own actions.
Another best friend says something very close to it. She thinks that I care about being a good person. I added a bit of my interpretation with her permission: I care about being a good person in my own way. Another way of saying ‘the justice in my heart’. That does not mean I have a lower standard than the society. Quite on the contrary, sometimes my standard of being a good person is higher than what society requires, which actually brings me a lot of agony. But I own it. I accept the judgement by the justice in my heart. There are also times I think what society considers good is banal or unreasonable, and I couldn’t care less.
Without knowing anything about ‘the justice in my heart’, my best friend from kindergarten gives me the answer of freedom or independence and said he thought of Eren Yeager, the controversial main protagonist in Attack on Titan who fought against the whole world and destroyed countless lives in the name of freedom—another symbol similar to the justice in one’s heart. I have to say I do understand Eren, but I disagree with his approach.
I am fully aware that this justice in my heart thing makes me sound dangerously close to a supervillain. Especially now Eren Yeager is mentioned. Just to be clear, here is a list of why I will not become a supervillain. First, all my talks about my values in this article are idealistic. I am a pragmatic idealist. I compromise in life. I compromise to life. But I make sure I don’t forget my values while compromising. Second, I try to be as reflective and honest as possible. I have good friends who criticise me acutely when needed. I am willing to take criticism from anyone, not just my friends. Third, I am too lucky and have too much to be grateful for. It would take a nearly impossible lot to demonise me. Fourth, the overall ‘the justice in my heart’ thing sounds supervillain-like, but the specifics of my values are very anti-supervillain. Supervillains are not really truthful, good, or beautiful. I care about the freedom of everyone; supervillains don’t. My obsession with freedom means I would never want to enforce my justice on other people.
Relatedly, a friend who doesn’t know me as much as the aforementioned best friends says that I know what I want and don’t compromise much for other people. That part aligns with everything discussed. But she says she thought I was always calm, objective, and emotionally stable in my pursuit of secular success; that is the part she doesn’t know me that well. I am, in fact, an attention-seeking drama queen.
But I guess I do come across as someone who cares about secular success. One friend simply says I care about success. Of course, success can be defined in many ways, but here, I interpret it more as secular success. I do care about secular success. I care about money. I used to care too much about prestige. But they are never my core values. I increasingly realise that they are noises, and I care less and less about them.
Two friends say honesty and truthfulness; that’s the ‘truth’ part.
A friend says I care about intimacy and predictability. I do care about intimacy. Predictability, to a certain extent. But I also want a level of uncertainty.
A friend says I care about myself. It is certainly true. I guess it is both related to independence and the justice in my heart.
(If you counted, the sum of the number of friends multiplied by the values is higher than ten because some friends said more than one thing. Same for the next part.)
What my friends think I am good at
Not so surprisingly, four of my best friends said I am good at critical, reflective, and analytical thinking. Just for my ego, I will list the exact words they used.
“You’re good at thinking through problems.”
“You are good at dissecting knowledge and arguments. But you are able to see when you are wrong, or when people that for X, Y, Z you like are wrong.”
“You are good at academic research.”
“Compared with understanding subjective individuals, you are better at understanding the objective world.”
Wait a minute; criticism is implied in that last comment. It is from the friend I consider who knows me the best. Is he suggesting I am bad at understanding people? I disagree with that. I have powerful empathy and sympathy, and I am very sensitive. So, I had a small discussion with him. I realised that I am indeed not so good at understanding people sometimes. My understanding of people depends on the situation. When people are relatively open, my strong empathy and sympathy work well. I can immediately relate to them and have a good understanding. The challenge is the subtle cues in social interactions.
I was very shy and nervous about social situations as a child. Even though I am much better now, I sometimes still worry about making mistakes in social interactions. If I am worried, I am too sensitive about not making mistakes and thus don’t pay attention to subtle signals. Ironically, that state is prone to mistakes. If I just be natural and be myself, I will be relaxed, and my sensitivity will do an excellent job.
I am not that shy now, but I am still relatively introverted. I don’t have much need for socialising, so I still don’t engage in many new social interactions. That means I have not engaged in enough social interactions to cover enough social cues. There are two types of social cues: the ones I learned (or similar enough) and those I haven’t learned. My sensitivity means I pick up the cues I learned very fast, but I am still oblivious to the cues I haven’t learned.
I did suspect whether I have a certain level of autism, but I think my strong sympathy and empathy are clear votes against it. When people are relatively open and genuine, my understanding of people’s thoughts and feelings is actually brilliant. That is not my own feeling. Three friends pick communication as my strength. One says I am good at listening, one says I am good at expressing, and one says I am good at communication.
Two friends say I am good at writing. That is a good reminder. I kind of forgot that I am good at writing. I assumed everyone doing a PhD is good at writing, so there is nothing special about my writing. But these two friends, both PhD students, tell me that my non-academic writing is pretty good. They remind me that people doing a PhD are forced to be skilled at academic writing but may not be good at writing in general. They are amazed at my writing, especially considering I use a second language. I am certainly flattered by these compliments. But it reminds me that I take my writing for granted. I should honour my non-academic writings more. It is both a strength and a passion of mine.
A friend says that compared with following and adapting to the development of things, I am better at clear planning and recording. It is partly true. I am indeed better at the latter compared with the former; another friend also says I am good at planning and execution. But I am not bad at adapting, either. A strong evidence is that I have quick wits. I can immediately think of funny things to say right at the moment. My skill in adapting things has gotten better as I have started to perform stand-up comedy, which needs no explanation. It is also getting better from doing research. The nature of research is to adapt constantly, and I am pretty good at it.
A friend says I am good at seeing things from interesting angles. She thinks my research topics are very interesting. I agree. My stand-up and this blog are also ways of sharing my interesting angles of seeing things.
A friend says I am good at seeing the best in people, but that makes me cynical because people let me down. Touché. I didn’t even think she knew me that well, but she seems to be perceptive.
A friend said I am good at confidence. I am quoting the exact words. This sentence is weird, but I will take it. Despite being shy sometimes, I am a confident person overall.
A friend says I am good at eating and studying. True for studying. But for eating, it depends on what you define as being good at eating.
Concluding thoughts
So that’s it. This article ended up longer than I expected. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the whole process of asking myself the two questions, asking around my friends, discussing something with them, reflecting on all the answers and writing them out.
It is good to confirm my own assessment of my values and strengths and rediscover things I took for granted. It is also a great bonding experience with my friends. I feel terrific that I am more determined about my values and strengths and learned more about myself.
P.S. I also translated this article into Chinese. Check here if you are interested.